I was partaking in some retail therapy this past weekend and lo and behold as I rounded a corner in the department store to check out the racks of sunglasses, I saw this lovely note tucked away:
Someone clearly intentionally put this reminder out to be found. I was the one who needed to find it.
My emotions have been all over the place recently (as if you couldn’t tell, haha!). Obviously I’m working out my grief over the loss of my father 3 years ago, but for whatever reason, my soul chose this past weekend to start grieving the end of my marriage.
Let me be clear – I do not want to continue in this marriage. It has run it’s course. While everyone always has the same question, “What happened?” anyone who has ever had a long term relationship end knows that there’s just not a simple answer to that question.
For the past several years I’ve felt nothing for the most part. The anger and resentment would rise and I would stifle it back down (with booze – SURPRISE!). I didn’t feel heard or appreciated but I sure did feel lonely.
This weekend, maybe due to the flood gates already being opened by grief, I started to feel it all. There was so much pain coming from every direction it felt like.
Then I saw this sweet reminder in the middle of a department store.
I won’t lie, I didn’t turn my life around suddenly and decide to be happy right then and there. That’s not fair to my soul. That quote from The Fault in Our Stars says it all…”That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” So I spent the rest of the weekend and some of today feeling it.
Then this evening I was thinking about how miserable I was making myself. I scrolled through my photos and saw this, remembering how I found it. That’s when it clicked.
It’s okay for me to not be okay concerning the end of my marriage right now. This is uncharted territory for me and the future is unknown. There are so many questions racing through my mind constantly about what will be.
But I’m here now. I have two beautiful children, a job that I love, a few good friends and I’ve given myself the best gift ever – my sobriety. How could I not “love this life?”
So tonight I put on my big girl panties and I sent my ex an e-mail apologizing for some hurtful things I said over the weekend to him. Things are not all rosy now between us just because I sent that e-mail but that’s okay. I know I did the right thing and that’s what matters. I know I will try harder to be the best person I can be, even in my dealings with a difficult situation such as divorce.
I have to accept my life as it is now. I have to accept the choices that led me here and how I choose to react to it all. Acceptance is something I know I need to work towards and I’d prefer to get there with some grace and dignity this time around. I’d prefer to get there with a positive attitude.
So that’s what I choose. I choose to own my life and work towards accepting and loving it just as it is because I only get one.