Relationships · Self-Care

Update, Update, Read All About It!

thanks

Just in case no one has told you lately, ya’ll are the best readers a girl could have. Seriously. The support I’ve received from all of you has been wonderful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I got to see my therapist a few days ago and that was so helpful.  As I sat in her office crying and asking why I’m just not enough for anyone, she simply asked, “Well, are you enough for you?” That really made me stop and consider what’s truly important right now.  I certainly feel more enough for myself today than I did 169 days ago.  Some days I feel like I am and some days I feel like I’m not.  What I know for sure is that I want those days that I do feel like I’m enough for me to be more consistent than they are now. So I stay sober and keep working on myself.

At the end of my session I asked my therapist if all of this is normal and am I grieving correctly? My fear is that I’m not processing everything in the right way and will end up making a mess of my life again like I did when I failed to grief my father’s death. She assured me that I’m doing okay and I’m much more self-aware than many people in this situation which made me feel less anxious.

My ex is having a minor health issue but it’s got him pretty worried and I don’t know if it’s that or what but he seemed to have called a truce and we’ve gotten along well the past few days.  Today we had an unexpected conversation concerning our marriage.  It was rational and emotional in that we were both able to admit we just aren’t happy together and in the end we want each other to be happy because that’s what’s best for our kids.  It was nice to feel like we are on the same page again.

So with that being said, I started the divorce process today.  He was going to file the papers, but after meeting with a lawyer last week he stalled. I wasn’t sure why until he filled me in today on some disheartening things the lawyer said.  When my ex walked in and introduced himself, the lawyer introduced himself and informed my ex that his job was to split up families.  This did not sit well with my ex because the one things we have agreed on through this whole situation is that whether we like it or not, the four of us will always be a family and we will do whatever we need to as parents to make sure our kids experience the least amount of stress over our divorce. There were some other things the lawyer said that aren’t in line with the kind of divorce we want to have so my ex said he just couldn’t do it using that particular attorney.  I am so grateful for his judgement on that.  So I took the reins today to get the ball rolling. It will probably be 5-6 months before everything is finalized just with state laws and such but it will end up being an amicable divorce that is on our terms and that is what is important.

As always, I’m continuing to work on my recovery.  It’s even more important for me to do so during difficult times.  I joined a gym and I signed up for a month of personal training sessions to kick start my journey. You see, I recently went to the doctor and when I was weighed, I saw that I had gained 10 pounds since I stopped drinking in December. This is a major red flag for me because I was also a food addict.

When I underwent gastric bypass surgery 10 years ago, I was 24 years old and tipped the scale at 285 pounds. This surgery truly saved my life. I didn’t admit it at the time or even a few years after, but I was a food addict. This addiction clearly transferred to alcohol when the perfect shit storm occurred to pull everything together to throw me right into my addiction to alcohol.  So when I saw that I had gained 10 pounds, I knew I needed to take action now or else my alcohol addiction could end up going right back to being a food addiction. I’ve worked too fucking hard battling both to end up with either one ever again.

I’m being proactive with the gym membership. I’ve been working on my mental/emotional health the past 169 days but I’ve not really focused at all on my physical health.  That’s okay with me because I know myself and I know that had I tried to take it all on at once from day 1, I would surely have relapsed by now.  But now I’m going to the gym at least 4 times a week at the recommendation of my trainer, doing the workouts he recommended and meeting with him one of those 4 times each week. He kicks my ass but I feel alive afterwards and I know that caring for myself physically will also help my mental/emotional wellness.

I’ve had two sessions so far and while I typically hate working out, especially in front of people who are waaaaaay more physically fit than me, I remind myself of all I have survived so far. I can survive 30 minutes of torture (haha) in order to take care of my physical health. My goal is to eventually lose 43 pounds and get toned up but just like my sobriety, I am taking it one day at a time.

Grief · Relationships

It All Falls Down

heartbreak

So remember how I was all about acceptance about a week ago?

Turns out I’m human. And I’ve kinda been a bitch this past week because I’m human and I’m in pain.

This whole divorce reinforces the unfortunate belief I hold about myself that I’m just not enough for anyone. In some of my less finer moments this week, I begged my ex for an answer to this question. Why wasn’t I enough? He refused to answer because in his words, after 5 counseling sessions, he’s already picked up his pieces and moved forward.

This of course sent me spiraling into feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, hurt and anger. How is this so easy for him? How does he walk away from a 10 year relationship and in a matter of months find it so easy not to speak to the person he spoke to every day for 10 years and went through so much with? How is it so easy for him to stop caring? The only answer I’ve come up with is one that stings – he stopped loving me long ago.

Here is the difficult thing for me to explain and even understand. While the past few years have been less than happy, much of it my own fault I admit, and I knew long ago that things between us were over, I truly still loved him. Even now, I do.

My reasons for loving him are convoluted at the moment. Right now, as I wallow in my feelings of worthlessness, I tell myself that I love him because he is the only one who gets me and I love him for who I made him out to be in my mind.  I love him because he is safe and comfortable. I love him because I need to be loved back and I don’t want to be alone. And that right there says so much more than what I actually wrote, doesn’t it?

My mind tells me daily, these feelings are only temporary, hold on. My mind reminds me that I truly have been more content on my own the past few months. But my heart is broken and screaming, “YOU WERE NOT ENOUGH! YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH!”

I’m not so sure how to silence this screaming. If I’m honest, it’s a message I’ve told myself since I was very young so I know I can’t quiet it in a day or two. I’m taking life one day at a time, mostly even just one hour at a time. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and give myself time and space to grieve. I’m not typically a woman who cries over much but I actually bawled for two hours straight on Saturday. While in those 2 hours I felt so awful and alone, I just let it happen. At one point when I thought I might die from the emotional pain, I reached out and texted a friend who I haven’t talked with in awhile but who I trust and let some of it out to her.  In the evening I realized that while I didn’t feel amazing, I certainly felt better after that release.

I’m trying to practice self-care and let myself feel and reach out for help when I need it and I really don’t even feel like drinking so I’m still sober but sometimes it all just fucking hurts and frankly, I don’t know how to balance the pain and the healing. Clearly I never learned any healthy coping mechanisms before I got sober. Now here I am trying figure out how to cope with the day to day shit as well as the big life shit and I don’t know if I’m doing things in a “normal” healthy way or if I’m making things worse for myself and my kids. How do people know these things? How do you know if you’re hurting the way you’re supposed to hurt and healing the way you’re supposed to heal? I don’t know and not knowing is terrible.