So remember how I was all about acceptance about a week ago?
Turns out I’m human. And I’ve kinda been a bitch this past week because I’m human and I’m in pain.
This whole divorce reinforces the unfortunate belief I hold about myself that I’m just not enough for anyone. In some of my less finer moments this week, I begged my ex for an answer to this question. Why wasn’t I enough? He refused to answer because in his words, after 5 counseling sessions, he’s already picked up his pieces and moved forward.
This of course sent me spiraling into feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, hurt and anger. How is this so easy for him? How does he walk away from a 10 year relationship and in a matter of months find it so easy not to speak to the person he spoke to every day for 10 years and went through so much with? How is it so easy for him to stop caring? The only answer I’ve come up with is one that stings – he stopped loving me long ago.
Here is the difficult thing for me to explain and even understand. While the past few years have been less than happy, much of it my own fault I admit, and I knew long ago that things between us were over, I truly still loved him. Even now, I do.
My reasons for loving him are convoluted at the moment. Right now, as I wallow in my feelings of worthlessness, I tell myself that I love him because he is the only one who gets me and I love him for who I made him out to be in my mind. I love him because he is safe and comfortable. I love him because I need to be loved back and I don’t want to be alone. And that right there says so much more than what I actually wrote, doesn’t it?
My mind tells me daily, these feelings are only temporary, hold on. My mind reminds me that I truly have been more content on my own the past few months. But my heart is broken and screaming, “YOU WERE NOT ENOUGH! YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH!”
I’m not so sure how to silence this screaming. If I’m honest, it’s a message I’ve told myself since I was very young so I know I can’t quiet it in a day or two. I’m taking life one day at a time, mostly even just one hour at a time. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and give myself time and space to grieve. I’m not typically a woman who cries over much but I actually bawled for two hours straight on Saturday. While in those 2 hours I felt so awful and alone, I just let it happen. At one point when I thought I might die from the emotional pain, I reached out and texted a friend who I haven’t talked with in awhile but who I trust and let some of it out to her. In the evening I realized that while I didn’t feel amazing, I certainly felt better after that release.
I’m trying to practice self-care and let myself feel and reach out for help when I need it and I really don’t even feel like drinking so I’m still sober but sometimes it all just fucking hurts and frankly, I don’t know how to balance the pain and the healing. Clearly I never learned any healthy coping mechanisms before I got sober. Now here I am trying figure out how to cope with the day to day shit as well as the big life shit and I don’t know if I’m doing things in a “normal” healthy way or if I’m making things worse for myself and my kids. How do people know these things? How do you know if you’re hurting the way you’re supposed to hurt and healing the way you’re supposed to heal? I don’t know and not knowing is terrible.