Let me preface this post by noting that I have no idea where I will go with it.
I’ve never really understood the phrase “crawling out of my skin” but tonight it clicked and I realized that’s exactly how I’m feeling today. My anxiety is high, I’m having difficulty focusing, my heart is racing for no reason, I just don’t feel like ME.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to me considering my recent change in some behaviors however it did. When I really started to think about why I’m feeling like this, I came up with a few things.
1.) I haven’t been as focused on my sobriety. To be fair, I’ve definitely still been focused on it, just not as heavily. I haven’t stayed caught up with the sober blogs I read regularly and I haven’t checked in on the Facebook groups I normally participate in where I find lots of support and encouragement from other women just like me.
2.) I haven’t done yoga in about 2 weeks. Due to cancelled classes and me missing classes for other reasons that I will go into next, I haven’t done it. I haven’t even made time to do it on my own or with a YouTube video. I miss it.
3.) My whole routine has changed somewhat (missed yoga classes included) because of my new library job. I’ve had to take care of HR appointments to fill out paperwork and deliver paperwork and then of course I’ve started working and they’ve asked me to fill in quite a bit extra already due to other staff members being on vacation.
4.) I haven’t made time to write here in over 10 days. I know writing (especially here) is so good for my soul yet I’ve avoided it. I am not entirely sure why but I think it may be because there’s just so much in my head lately and I don’t know how to get it out just yet.
5.) Additionally my son had his tonsils out almost a week ago. What a blessing sobriety has been with that. Since I’m on my own now, it’s just me at night to wake up with him when he’s crying and needs another dose of meds. It’s mostly me who delivers him freeze pops and applesauce and whatever else he may need. It’s me who has held him as he cries and begs for me to hug him until he feels calm.
6.) About 3 days before the tonsil surgery I got the call that I was able to go in and set up my new classroom for the coming year. I spent those days working to unpack as much as I could and get enough done that I didn’t feel too behind since I knew I wouldn’t be back in for awhile due to this surgery. I still feel behind.
7.) I met someone. I’ve been spending time with him getting to know him. If you follow me on Instagram (@talesfrommyliver) then this is no surprise but the morning of Memorial Day I met a man for coffee and he’s pretty much stolen my heart. I never expected that to happen but I’m so glad it did. He knows I’m sober and he knows most of my story and he still thinks I’m worth knowing and maybe one day loving. I could (and probably will at some point) write an entire blog post (or ten) just about this.
8.) I recently told my ex that I was seeing someone since we made things exclusive. This news did not go over well with him however he also did not completely lose his shit. I do know that he’s hurt and I can certainly understand that. While I was an awful wife, I was still his wife and the mother of his children and I get how this could be painful for him because I know I will probably feel like I’ve been punched in the gut when he is ready to date. I’m not sure that he realizes this yet, but I think people feel that way not always because they miss each other or necessarily want to be together (because I know he doesn’t want to be with me and I was ready to move on with my life as well) but we mourn the loss of what could have been or what we had thought would be. I could (and probably will at some point) write an entire blog post (or ten) just about this as well.
That is all that is going on that has made me feel not like me. I haven’t been to the gym regularly either with all that is going on. So this evening when I just felt that whole “crawling out of my skin” thing I knew I had to do SOMETHING and I went to the gym at 10:30 pm. After a 45 minute workout I came home and now I’m writing and while none of this may make any sense or seem connected, I promise you that it is in my head and heart. It’s all connected in that all of it is making me feel dizzy and disconnected from me.