Grief · Relationships

It All Falls Down

heartbreak

So remember how I was all about acceptance about a week ago?

Turns out I’m human. And I’ve kinda been a bitch this past week because I’m human and I’m in pain.

This whole divorce reinforces the unfortunate belief I hold about myself that I’m just not enough for anyone. In some of my less finer moments this week, I begged my ex for an answer to this question. Why wasn’t I enough? He refused to answer because in his words, after 5 counseling sessions, he’s already picked up his pieces and moved forward.

This of course sent me spiraling into feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, hurt and anger. How is this so easy for him? How does he walk away from a 10 year relationship and in a matter of months find it so easy not to speak to the person he spoke to every day for 10 years and went through so much with? How is it so easy for him to stop caring? The only answer I’ve come up with is one that stings – he stopped loving me long ago.

Here is the difficult thing for me to explain and even understand. While the past few years have been less than happy, much of it my own fault I admit, and I knew long ago that things between us were over, I truly still loved him. Even now, I do.

My reasons for loving him are convoluted at the moment. Right now, as I wallow in my feelings of worthlessness, I tell myself that I love him because he is the only one who gets me and I love him for who I made him out to be in my mind.  I love him because he is safe and comfortable. I love him because I need to be loved back and I don’t want to be alone. And that right there says so much more than what I actually wrote, doesn’t it?

My mind tells me daily, these feelings are only temporary, hold on. My mind reminds me that I truly have been more content on my own the past few months. But my heart is broken and screaming, “YOU WERE NOT ENOUGH! YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH!”

I’m not so sure how to silence this screaming. If I’m honest, it’s a message I’ve told myself since I was very young so I know I can’t quiet it in a day or two. I’m taking life one day at a time, mostly even just one hour at a time. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and give myself time and space to grieve. I’m not typically a woman who cries over much but I actually bawled for two hours straight on Saturday. While in those 2 hours I felt so awful and alone, I just let it happen. At one point when I thought I might die from the emotional pain, I reached out and texted a friend who I haven’t talked with in awhile but who I trust and let some of it out to her.  In the evening I realized that while I didn’t feel amazing, I certainly felt better after that release.

I’m trying to practice self-care and let myself feel and reach out for help when I need it and I really don’t even feel like drinking so I’m still sober but sometimes it all just fucking hurts and frankly, I don’t know how to balance the pain and the healing. Clearly I never learned any healthy coping mechanisms before I got sober. Now here I am trying figure out how to cope with the day to day shit as well as the big life shit and I don’t know if I’m doing things in a “normal” healthy way or if I’m making things worse for myself and my kids. How do people know these things? How do you know if you’re hurting the way you’re supposed to hurt and healing the way you’re supposed to heal? I don’t know and not knowing is terrible.

10 thoughts on “It All Falls Down

  1. I am so sorry you are hurting.
    Divorce is a huge loss, and you do need to grieve, and there is no perfect way to go through this.
    You are doing the right thing by reaching out when you are able.
    Are you able to see a therapist to help you through this time?
    The one thing I do know, is you are worthwhile.
    Just as you are.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. It’s as if you were reading my mind. I often get stuck in those type of thoughts. What’s been helping me understand the feelings, thoughts and pain I’m going through is to carry a cute little notebook with me. And I’ve been writing down the silver lining of my negative thoughts. For example, I was in a lot of pain dealing with the breakup between my daughter’s father and I. I didn’t think I would ever fall in love again and I was miserable. But I took the time to see the fact that he’s no longer in my life because he was not enough for me. He did not take the time to appreciate what I had to offer. And I have a lot to offer. He never showed appreciation for anything that I did. That’s why I thought I never did enough and I felt worthless. So what I write down in my journal, is things that I know I did right that he never appreciated. you sound like you think like me, and after writing down the things that I wish he would have noticed, I realize he didn’t deserve all of that anyways. what’s helped me also has been taking time to enjoy the little things that I used to do. Like painting. Seeing a awesome finished painting felt felt darn good. I don’t believe at at all that you’re worthless. In In my opinion he’s the worthless one. You’re You’re in pain and he’s he’s not there to reassure you when you need it. I hope that all made sense lol feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. ❤️

      The journal is a great idea! Sounds like you’re taking great care of yourself with journaling and changing your thoughts to see the positive and painting. That’s wonderful! Self-care is so important during difficult times like these.

      We are in this together, sister! ❤️

      Like

  3. I agree with Wendy. Letting it out and grieving is an important step. Acceptance will come and go, so will the tears. It’s hard to figure out our roles in divorce. The constant questioning that goes like “what did I do wrong?” “what could I have done different?” slams up against our acknowledgement that “maybe I could have done different, why didn’t I want to?” and therefore “is this my fault?”. People grow apart, it doesn’t mean you aren’t enough. And then you have to realize there were times when he wasn’t enough for you, until he really wasn’t in which case then the love bubbles back up. I found that it was tough admitting my part in things and that it was when he would turn away from me that all of sudden I realized I might really want to make things work. In my case, it was hard to know what his issues were balanced against my thoughts that I waited too long to change. Sigh, it’s hard no matter how you look at it. Keep grieving and then keep focusing on moving forward yourself. It’s obvious you are thoughtful and reflective and are light years ahead of working through where you are with things compared to where I was at your stage – good for you! I think there is no “normal” to this process. You hurt and you heal at your own pace. Go with the feelings. I drank through my feelings and delayed the whole process! You are in a much better place to cope and should move through this much faster! Probably wrote too much today but it struck a nerve. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry that you’re hurting so much at the moment. I remember being terrified when I split up with my ex of 12 years. Now when I look back I think, thank goodness that happened. I really lost my identity within that relationship and although it’s not been easy, and quitting drinking has been part of the process I do feel like I am now finding the real me and embracing whatever that brings. Change it hard, it takes courage. Feeling fear or crying is not a sign of weakness they’re just part of the process. I know it’s a horrible cheesy cliche but time really does do its healing thing eventually. Hugs and best wishes to you x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’ve said some very wise words here that I needed to hear. Thank you! ❤️

      I also feel like I lost myself and now I have to figure out who I am again which I started doing when I got sober but there’s just so much involved in figuring out who you are as you know too.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry about the difficult time you are having. When I’m in despair(especially about people) I do ‘the work’ Its a method by Byron Katie. You can find it on http://thework.com/en Forgive me for suggesting this if I am overteppping you are welcome to tell me to take a hike. This method may not be your cup of tea but I thought I would mention it becasue it has helped me so much in times of strife with my husband.

    Liked by 1 person

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