Relapse

When is enough, enough?

life

Stardate:  4/24/17
Captain’s Log

It’s been 5,389,108,038 days since I’ve had a drink.

Fuck no it’s not. It’s been 127 but right now in this moment it feels like a lot longer. I feel a familiar restlessness.  Boredom. Boredom is never a good sign.

I have this sinking feeling I’m on the verge of a relapse. I have these secret thoughts trying to snake their way through my mind.

“You can probably handle just one.”
“Drink once then go back to being sober.”
“Just do it and don’t tell anyone.”
“Summer is almost here…are you really not going to drink at the beach? On the deck at home?”

So I’m putting a stop to it now by owning it and telling the world. Okay, telling anyone who reads this. The point is, I’m not keeping it a secret.

Oh, and I’m not actually going to drink, don’t worry. I want to. A LOT. But I fucking refuse to give up this easily.

Recognizing these signs has been key for me. I know boredom is a trigger for me. I also know nice weather is a trigger. I also know there are deeper things going on.

My husband and I are separated. We have been since mid-February. We have no idea if we will reconcile eventually or divorce and truly there’s no rush but this being in limbo is starting to wear me down. I don’t like not knowing. I like to have a plan. So this is fucking hard.

What’s really driving me crazy is that I don’t know what I want. Part of me wants to save our marriage.  Look back when we’re 80 and say, “Holy fuck, we survived all of that!” (And we truly have been through damn near everything you could think of. Yes, even that.)  The other part of me wants freedom from the brokenness of what we’ve become. At this point, neither of us are meeting the other one’s needs and this part of me wants to let go. While I have no desire to end my marriage in hopes for “greener pastures” as I know damn well that another man/relationship/marriage would just mean another set of problems, maybe there is someone out there better suited for each of us as we’ve become very different people than we were when we were younger. Even for him – Lord knows I have not made his life easy the past few years and there’s a lot of needs of his I know I am not meeting though that’s difficult for him to admit. And maybe I’m the one who’s better suited to meet my own needs. The entire situation is not sitting well with me recently which is a driving force for my discomfort. I don’t know how to answer the question, “When is it giving up versus when is enough, enough?”

There’s instability and big changes coming at work as well. This is another source of anxiety and discomfort for me. In the end I am confident that things will be okay but for now, it’s the “not knowing” once again that throws me off balance. (Has it become obvious yet that I’m a Type A personality who feels the need to be in control of everything?) Also…wow…this one is hard to write…I also thought that the career I chose was my life’s purpose. I was put on this earth to do what I do. It is my passion.  However…recently…as I experience more of my own recovery and form relationships with other addicts in recovery and read and hear more stories like mine…the pull in my heart has slowly begun to change directions. What if? What if I’m supposed to share my story? Work with addicts? Change the stigma? Help someone else who struggles the way I struggle? I don’t even know what form that would take or how it would look. It’s just this tiny voice, calling from within, that maybe there’s something else out there that I’m supposed to do.

I’m also becoming very aware of my relationship with food lately. When I was drinking I didn’t give much thought to that because frankly, I wasn’t eating much since I drank so much. Now I have a lot more time and clarity to notice what I’m choosing to put into my body and the fact that I’m actively choosing to put in things that give me a certain comfort as opposed to those that might be a healthier option. It doesn’t help that swimsuit season is quickly approaching and while I talk a good game to those who know me about owning my curves and strutting around proudly in my “fatkini” I don’t feel half as confident as I pretend to.

There is a gentle nudging from deep within me.  It is quiet but getting louder each day, telling me that I’m going to have to face these issues that I so clearly do not want to deal with if I want any relief from feeling like I’m walking a fine line between sobriety and relapse.

“It’s hard to find what is the truest thing about us if all we do is keep running and running and running.” – Unknown

18 thoughts on “When is enough, enough?

      1. God is gently nudging you in a better direction. Let Him. Trust Him. Follow the breadcrumbs. I believe this. And continue to share your story….helping other people will help you stay sober. You helped me tonight. Thank you for that.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. You’re a very talented writer, thank you for sharing. Your quotes are very powerful as well. The more we write and share here in the blogosphere, the more I’m learning new ideas and perspectives that are helping with my sobriety journey. Thank you xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I went through what you are going through with my ex. That limbo land is really hard. I sort of believe we can be with anyone, that there isn’t a true soul mate, that it’s what we make of it. I probably would have preferred to stay in my first marriage, keep the history together (we got married young) and raise our child together. I was pushed into a different direction when he decided to leave. You are right, new partner, new issues but the growth has been tremendous. I think you will grow either way, no matter what you decide. I am not what I would call a particularly religious person, but one night I sat up praying for a sign and some guidance on what I should do about my marriage. I got the sign I wanted the next day. It wasn’t the one I expected, nor wanted, but it got me off the merry go’round for sure!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right, there will be growth either way. I don’t like the limbo but I also don’t like making big decisions and change. Did you have kids with your ex? I worry so much about how our kids will be affected either way.

      Like

  3. Give yourself the best chance at this sobriety thing and that means giving your body extended time to recover. Please read my post about relapses it may help. https://hurrahforcoffeeblog.wordpress.com/2017/01/08/what-my-lapses-and-relapses-have-tought-me
    (I recently re-read it and it helped me lol:) Getting sober is like waking up out of a fog and for the first time I am awake to my life and CAN ask questions like what do I want out of my life what is the purpose and how do I wasn’t to spend the rest of my days on earth.
    xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am definitely going to read that, thank you!
      I am at that place where my head has been clear for awhile and I’m really starting to wonder what it is I want out of my life. It’s scary because it might not be what I’ve always thought it would/should be…

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I am sorry things are hard for you.
    You have a lot of stress in your life right now.
    I am glad you wrote your feelings as that can help clarify some issues for you.
    Keep reminding yourself nothing will be better if you drink again.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Enjoying good weather outdoors is also a huge trigger for me. I’m sorry you’re enduring so much limbo, it sounds really tough. Uncertainty and change are both heavily challenging. I hope this difficult period can lead you to a positive place in the end. Best wishes 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Recovery is so darn emotional especially when it feels like our plates are full. I blog about our travels but for you to write of your feelings I’m hoping the comments giving you some reassurance and sense of direction. I feel you doing some great things… PS… my new bathing suit hangs front and center and not quite there. Gotta keep moving.. wink

    Liked by 1 person

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