Uncomfortably Mellow


I’m not sure if I’m having an emotional hangover from my Netflix binge yesterday or the onslaught of my period has made me hormonal or if I’m just having an off day but I’m just not feeling like myself.

I know I need to make time for self-care, especially at times like this.  I’ve really tried today. I started my morning by treating myself to a delicious Starbucks latte.  I spent some time mid-morning working in my new mindfulness journal.  I played tennis with my kids and then took a trip to a local playground after work. I made sure to eat fairly well throughout the day and not just binge on junk. I’m taking some time now to write.  I’ve done more for myself today than a typical day, that’s for sure, yet I’m still feeling like I’m just here, mellowed out. I don’t feel anxious or awful but I don’t feel joyful or happy. I’m not even sure this is a bad thing to be honest. Maybe this is “normal?” It’s just different and because of that, a little uncomfortable.

One thing is for sure, I gave zero fucks about self-care 113 days ago.  For 2.5 years before that I thought I WAS taking care of myself by letting myself drink reality away. Tough day parenting? Drink. Rough day at work? Drink. Marriage troubles? Drink. Dad died? Drink. Drink. Drink. Got a DUI? Don’t deal, just drink. This is how I coped with my reality – by pretending it wasn’t actually happening and blacking out every few days to make sure I really wouldn’t remember much.

Except I did. I did remember some of it. The guilt. The shame. The WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE? The OH MY GOD I DID WHAT IN FRONT OF MY KIDS? The HOLY SHIT MY COWORKERS HEARD ME SAY WHAT? That was horrible. It still is. It’s not as fresh now, which I guess is a positive, but it’s there.  My hope is that the farther I get from that time in my life, the more I dive into my recovery and face all the things I never wanted to face while drinking, the less I’ll feel all of that. Part of how I move forward is taking care of myself in healthy ways. Ways that don’t end up with me in handcuffs or at an AA meeting as it did a time or two before.

So I play tennis and attempt yoga and breathe deeply and go to bed early and ask for time alone and write, write, write when I know my soul needs it.

Any other ideas for healthy self-care that I can try?


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